Proactive Parenting

I'm always looking for new ideas on how to discipline my 3 year old DS. Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to attend a one hour lecture by Rene Hackney, PhD. She's associated with Parenting Playgroups, Inc in VA, which offers a variety of different workshops. Here are my notes from her outline and her lecture. I hope you find at least one thing that you can put in your parenting toolbox.

General Thoughts:
- Address empathy first
- Use positive versus negative statements.
* For example: instead of "don't climb on the sofa", say "please keep your feet on the ground".

1) Children's Negative Emotions
     a) Be approachable
     b) Avoid denying
     c) Avoid questioning
     d) Provide empathy

2)Empathy
     a)Address empathy first.
     b)Child's emotion vs. child behavior
          i)For example: anger, frustration vs. throwing, kicking
     c)For Younger Children:
          i)Reflect what you feel (label)
               (1)Why are you crying?
               (2)What’s wrong?
          ii)Reflect what you hear (summarize their point)
          iii)Feel/hear
     d)Summarizing requires you to really attend
     e)Match intensity
          i)For example: if your child is frustrated, you use the same intensity and say, "I know you're frustrated".
     f)You're not trying to rescue them or change their feelings. Avoid denying emotion
          i)A child needs to trust his/her emotion
          ii)Don't say "don't cry" or "don't be sad"
          iii) Instead, give empathy
     g)It’s hardest to be empathetic with expressions of anger
     h)For Older Children:
          i)Reflect what you see (describe)
          ii)Reflect what you feel (label)
          iii)Reflect what you hear (summarize their point)
          iv)See/feel/hear

Parent Practice
Your two year old is crying hard because someone knocked over his block tower. This was his second attempt, the first fell over.
     Some ideas:
          - Label emotion: “that’s upsetting. You were working so hard.”
          - Model behavior:
               o Did you like that?
               o Give him words to use
               o Teach emotional language

Your three year old is stomping her foot and glaring at her older sister. The older sister is holding a doll out of reach. The younger screams, “I had that!”
     Some ideas:
          - Acknowledge younger one’s emotion: “You’re frustrated; you want that doll”
          - In talking to the older sister:
               o Empathy/choices: Do you want to give it to me or to her?
               o Empathy/consequences: The faster you share, the sooner we can play.

3) Catch Them Being Good
     a) Need to sway the balance of when we comment
     b) Attend more to positive behavior
     c) Positive language to negative behavior
     d) For positive behavior, Notice and Describe
          i) “You” or child’s name
          ii) Describe exactly what you see
               (1) Behavior specific
                    (a) Put behavior first b/c you want the child to focus on the behavior. If you say “you were helpful by handing the block” then, by the time you get to the behavior, the child has forgotten and just focuses on the praise.
                    (b) Instead: “You handed the block [behavior]; that was helpful/thoughtful/cooperative [label]”
          iii) End with a descriptor
               (1) Describe values, attributes, strengths, efforts, progress
               (2) Remember descriptive phrases

Parent Practice
Your child helps you pick up the blocks. You ask her to put the container away on the shelf; she complies with your request right away.
     Some ideas:
          - You did what I asked of you; that was awesome
          - You picked up and put it away; that was helpful

Your child is eating a pleasant dinner, talking quietly. This is not often the case.
     Some ideas:
          - You ate dinner quietly; that was good manners

Your child is playing with a toy that another child is waiting for. Your child remembers to give the other child a turn when he is done.
     Some ideas:
          - You knew the other child was waiting, and you let him/her have a turn; that was good sharing.

4) When Negative Behavior Occurs
     a) State your response in the positive
          i) Say what you WANT them to do
               (1) Instead of “Don’t jump on the sofa”, say “Please keep your feet on the ground/floor”
               (2) Instead of “stop running”, say “freeze”
               (3) Instead of “don’t put that in your mouth”, say “Please keep that out of your mouth” or “crayons are for coloring”
     b) When stating in negative, then the message to the child is “negative behavior gets attention”
     c) In the negative, (no, don’t, stop), children have to turn it around
     d) Leaves a behavioral void

Parent Practice
Your children are yelling at each other in the backseat of the car.
     Some ideas:
          - “Please talk quietly”
          - “Please read your book”
          - Tell them WHAT you want them to do.

One child is teasing the other “nah-nah-nah!” with a mean look. The other child is already crying.
     Some ideas:
          - “Be nice.”
          - “Use friendly words”

Kate accidentally knocked over a tower. Johnny takes a swing at Kate.
     Some ideas:
          - “Hands to yourself”
          - “Freeze”

5) Descriptive vs. Evaluative Phrases
     a) Descriptive phrases are detailed and behavior specific.
          i) It praises the thing the child has done.
          ii) It focuses on the effort and gives ownership to the child.
          iii) “You listened to me the first time”
          iv) “You worked on the piano all week”
          v) Message sent: “I do something good, others see value in it”
     b) Evaluative phrases are vague and focus on the outcome instead of the effort that went in to the task.
          i) It praises the person
          ii) “I’m proud”
          iii) “Good job”
          iv) Message sent: “I do something good, I get a pat on the back”
     c) Ideally, you want to meld the two phrases
     d) Be Descriptive then Evaluative

Example: A child brings you a painting they’ve been working on for 20 minutes and says, “Look what I did!”.
Descriptive: “Wow, you worked on that for along time and used so many colors. Good job!”
Evaluative: “What a beautiful painting! I really like it!”

Parent Practice
Your child brings you a paper from school that has a happy face on the top. It has a picture with a dictated story about your family. The teacher’s written comment is “Good work!”
     Some ideas:
          - First, the teacher’s comment is evaluative.
          - “I can see you worked really hard”
          - “I can see that you focused really hard on your work”

Your child gets a ring from the bottom on the pool after a long summer of being scared to go under.
     Some ideas:
          -“you were very brave by going under and getting the ring”

Your child is playing chase with others and a friend falls down. Your child stops to help the friend.
     Some ideas:
          - “you took a break to help your friend”

6) Contribution
     a) We are all looking to belong and feel significant
     b) Focus on ways a child can participate and be valued in every day activity
     c) Children should feel central to family/classroom functioning
     d) Each step of the way, children have choices and built in jobs
     e) Contribution teaches:
          i) Independence
          ii) Responsibility
          iii) Life Skills
          iv) Productive/active role
          v) Internal motivation
          vi) Contribution replaces time for negative behaviors with something more productive